The more I live, the less I know

I started out thinking I knew a thing or two. Then I started living and I realized I really know nothing.

Life is complicated. Life is really hard at times. We don’t always understand the “stuff” that happens to us.

Why do good people get hurt? Why do healthy people get sick? Why are some of us lucky to escape our youth and others barely make it through to old age?

I used to think that if I did the right things, thought the right thoughts, surrounded myself with love, and treated each day as if it was precious – I’d make it through life with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. Always. But that’s not how this works.

Life is really, really complex and difficult at times. We don’t get to choose our tough moments. We only get to choose how we deal with them.

I have lived enough now to know that you cannot understand pain and heartache if you haven’t loved someone deeply. Caring about people means you accept the fact that you might lose them. And, yes, they might lose you as well.

I remember the first time I met my brother in law. It was at a local restaurant in town, and my wife (who was my girlfriend at the time) told me to be myself and he would approve. He was a big, hulking guy back then. He was an offensive lineman on a college team, and probably was upwards of 330 pounds. I knew I liked him from the first time we met. He was warm, happy, and funny. He commanded the room when he was in it. People gravitated towards him. He was engaging and asked lots of questions. He wanted to know as much about me as possible. After all, I was dating his sister.

As we ate I listened to him talk and he ate like a machine. I made the mistake of leaving to use the restroom and when I returned my chicken parm sandwich was gone. “I thought you were done,” he said. I could not help but be amused at how much he could eat.

When a 330 pound man eats your sandwich, what do you do? Nothing. You sit there and you smile and take another sip of your Pepsi. I was done eating that meal. Simple as that.

Now close to 25 years later the cruel irony is he cannot eat anymore. His body is plagued by a cancer that started in one part of him and ravaged another. So many treatments killed some of it, but didn’t get it all. It is hard to know that his end is near. The vibrant, youthful glow is gone. It is replaced with a yellow tint and a frame that has withered to 170 pounds. His will to live is strong. His body is not.

Too much to live for, but not enough time left.

Too much to live for, but not enough time left.

Too much to live for, but not enough time left.

Three times. Three children that will be left behind without a father to guide them. Our family will pick up the pieces. We will surround them with so much love, but it cannot replace his love. Hard to know this truth. We see it even before it has happened.

Plans change. Lives change. There is a reason for this, but we don’t see it right now. We trust in HIS plan, even if we don’t understand it. Soon he will be with his grandparents, his friend, his mother-in-law, and his puppy.

Should we be grateful for 6 tough years? Was it 6 years more than what we thought we’d get? Are we being greedy wanting more time? The more I live, the less I know.

The more I love, the less I know as well.

We aren’t ready for what comes next. Even when we know it is coming.

Three children that are confused and just want their dad. A wife who loves him and the memory of who he was. A father who can’t find the words to express his pain. So sick from the hurt. A mother who is like a rock. Steady, calm, but nearing the end of her patience for this all. Not enough hugs and kisses can fix this. A brother who would do anything for him. A sister who is losing her best friend. No more scrabble. No more 90210 trivia. No more quotes from Dirty Dancing. His nephews will miss his support. His love will stick around in their memories.

He feels like he failed us, but he didn’t. He fought harder than anyone. Never was he negative and he clung to the idea of being a “winner”; to the poem, Invictus.

We all wait now. Hoping peace will come without too much more pain. We want to steal more time, but that’s not how this works.

It happens because we love and love deeply. Our hearts want to be full, but how can they without him? We will live on and honor him with our lives.

We aren’t ready for what comes next. None of us are.

Love remains eternal. Life is precious.

ONLY WINNERS

INVICTUS