The Paradox of Pain

Tears and a smile. The road ahead is confusing.

Losing people is part of life. You cannot feel its pain without knowing deep love and faith. It is that deep love that causes the pain, but we embrace it nevertheless. Even though we know how this ends, we still run towards love.

Loss creates a void and it reveals itself in predictable and unpredictable moments.

For example, holidays present an interesting emotional response lately. We just recently observed Easter and followed it up with Mother’s Day. Easter is meant to be a time of renewal and rebirth. We spent time as a family, but our wounds were still so fresh. Hard to think about rebirth and renewal while struggling with death.

Mother’s Day. A beautiful holiday turned ugly with the loss of a son. Mother’s are so strong and yet this day brings tears now. The reality is a mother brings you into this world and should never have to witness any of her children leaving the world before her. It is not how it’s supposed to be. The order is off.

Coming up are a birthday (the first since he went home to the Lord) and Father’s Day that involves three beautiful children searching for theirs. Left behind is a grieving wife struggling to find her footing.

And yet he is gone. We remain behind. Stuck. Grieving. Remembering. Questioning this massive, overwhelming loss.

When I wake up at 4AM these are the thoughts that keep me from finding sleep again. I could be justified to question the sense of it. I could be justified for thinking we were so close to a eradicating this burden. Faith is helping me see that this suffering is for us to shoulder now. His is over. He is watching over us. His eyes filled with tears for what we are going through, but his face wears a smile because of how we are supporting one another.

Pain and suffering gave way to peace. Maybe it is not meant to be a peace for us, but it is a peace for him. Ultimately I have to reside in a place of gratitude for that. Even if we feel left behind – struggling to regain our footing without him. His suffering is over.

So I focus on being a better person. I focus on finding my faith return to me because faith helps mend a broken heart. Faith helps heal the hurt.

We learn how to live on without him, but it is hard to fathom he is really gone.

Maybe memories are what help. The holiday grief is predictable. It’s the unpredictable moments that are hardest. A song that reminds me of a moment. A story told about something funny he did. These things bring tears and a smile. The paradox of pain. We all have it now.

What do you do when you are in pain?

Who do you count on when you’re struggling to find your footing?